Not long ago, I had asked a question about what do you do to keep things alive and exciting in your relationship. One of the responses I received talked about all the small things that happen between them. Stuff like snuggling, gentle kisses on the shoulder at bed time. Cleanup the kitchen without being asked too. These are all wonderful things to bring into any relationship.
I remember doing all these things early on in my marriage. While dating, I traveled all the time for work but on a semi regular basis, for no apparent reason, I'd send flowers to my wife at her job. Most of the time it was a dozen roses or some other pretty arrangements. She did not keep them all but about our kitchen sink, is an entire cabinet full of vases that the roses came in. There are still gifts all over our home that I picked up for her from all over the US. One of my favorite pieces are these two crystal egg shaped oil lamps. They are only about 4 to 5 inches tall and about 3 inches around. It uses some sort of fiber optic wick that burns the oil but never needs replacing or gets cruddy. It stays as pretty today as it was brand new. Flying home early, I'd get home before she did and I've have the house clean when she came in. That was ALWAYS a good thing. Still is by the way. :)
Thee was a lot of other things that I did and still do (just not as often) to express my love for her. However, things change. Life happens. Kids come along and priorities change. Paying bills and taking care of our son become more important. Like most people, we tend to take things for granted and just expect they will be there as they have been for so long. The pitfall to this is we all need to feel appreciated and desired. I'm a hard headed mule at times. I don't mind cleaning up the kitchen but if you expect em to do it because you don't like to do it... I have an issue with that. I never will ask someone to do something for me that I won't do myself. If each time I come over to give you and hug and kiss you push me away or accuse me of smothering you... Say it enough times I will STOP. My tenacity turns into resentment and all the sweet wonderful things I use dot do constantly cease.
Could my slowing down of all the sweet nothings (that really mean everything) be part of the cause? Perhaps. Could it actually be me causing me to feel the way I am and not her? If I really wan to have the non-stop giddy feeling of being in love to return, perhaps it is time I shed the resentments and get rid of some of my tenacity. Think about it... When I dated, I did all these things without expecting anything in return. Why should I expect something now? I can't change anyone else but I can alter the way I perceive my current situation. It's just a bit of food for thought.
If you want to do those things, do them because you want to do them. Don't do them because someone expects you to. I do them if I know that someone will appreciate them and if it makes me feel good. I don't do things expecting stuff in return...
ReplyDeleteSide note...TEN called the other day and said the package was returned marked "return to sender". Hmmmmm
I do the little things for two reasons. House work stuff I do simply becaus eit needs to be done. As for sutff that involve the Mrs, I still do them because it does make me feel good and she likes it. I will say that I stopped doing them so often as she shows no appreciation for my efforts. I do'nt really expect anything in particular as a direct result of my actions but I do get tired of feeling like there is no point for doing them. If that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteI do'nt know what to tell you about the other situation. Sounds iffy to me... ((Hugs))
Have you ever stopped to to ask if the person you are acknowledging actually appreciates said acknowledgements and gifts?
ReplyDeleteI know at one time I liked the little nic nacs that my ex bought for me..just because..but when I had to dust them all-it became a chore I did not want to do anymore. I just didn't have the guts to tell him I didn't want them anymore, until one day he asked me..and I told him. He then got smart and asked me what I WOULD like to have...and I told him. Was happier on both parts and I appreciated the gifts that much better!
But never expect anything in return when you give something from the heart-just occassionally you need to ask what makes the other's heart pound since we all change over the years.
Just a thought!
RE: Maxi
ReplyDeleteSorry so long in responding. I'm been lazy and not on much. When my wife and I were dating, we had lots of discussions about personal needs. What I needed from our relationship and what she needed. Not trying to cut anything out but keep it simple, as time has passed, needs change and priorities change. Our son comes first of course and all of life stresses. The gifts themselves are not so important any longer but the emotional needs and physical needs still are required.
I need to be touched. She doesn't touch. We can have sex without her ever putting a finger on my body. When the only conversations you have with me involve lifes daily issues, there is no safety zone. No place to hide away and feel relaxed and safe. I don't want anything in return for me doing something for you. What I do want is comfort in knowing I can lay my head on you. I can put my arm around you without some complaint. Without you asking me why am I being so "needy" I NEED to feel appreciated and desired. If she can't at least make me feel desirable, then anything loving and caring coming form me will go bye bye.
I try my best not to allow my personal dissatisfactions fall into play. I know I have slowed down on being that loving nurturing person I was when we dated. I want him back but I won't bring him back without some sort of appreciation. I hope that made some sense.